I took my time looking for a sponsor this time around. The last sponsor I had was chosen too quickly and for how she looked on the outside.
When I first came to OA, a well meaning soul pointed out two people and told me to ask. Fortunately, both of these people were full. Another person came along who looked promising and she was full. Another one had great physical recovery but I wasnt so sure about emotions.
Then I met my sponsor. It makes me think of how small this world is and how people who are fundamentally different in lifestyles and beliefs can share so much when it comes to food and addictions. It is on this path of the 12 steps that we meet our trudge buddies and our guides for the journey.
All my sponsor asks of me each day is to write about 2 paragraphs from the OA 12 and 12 and email it in to her. I also email her my food for the day. I have also started calling her everday since I have been a bit gunshy about calling people since I fear rejection. I have really come to enjoy our talks. We also text message a bit too.
I just had a great dinner with my sponsor and another friend who also has this woman for a sponsor. It was a great abstinent meal that makes me grateful for being in OA and not having to do this alone.
As I dropped off my friend, she said Im glad you were born and glad you came to OA.
I couldn't ask for more.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
4th step
Step 4-- "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
There are people in recovery who have never made the 4th step. Some program folk like to say that this is where the rubber meets recovery. This huge writing process involves creating a list of our resentments, our fears, our sex inventory and who we had harmed. The big book of AA says that when we are doing this we "absorb some big chunks and truths about ourselves".
I wrote my first 4th step in AA back in 2002. I had a blue notebook that I wrote in and wrote in and wrote in. I was constantly scribbling. In the end, my sponsor said that she was not going to wade through 188 pages of bullshit. It was called the great american fourth step. I had a tramatic experience happen when I was first writing my step. I had a sponsor who suddenly fell off the planet when I was working on this step. Doing this step brings up a lot about yourself and it is best to have a sponsor whom I can call when I get what I call the feeling attacks from the 4th step. I do not write this stuff to impress my sponsor, but for myself. Putting this down on paper is cathartic and a wonderful experience. It is also humbling and scary and calls for great courage to be honest in areas that I never thought I would share with another person.
Today I started writing the first part of my inventory. I went to the starbucks by my house and just started writing. I have to write outside of my house or else I will find other things to do. At my house this morning, I already ordered new shoes and got an order for my new glasses. I knew that I just had to start writing.
I did one of the hardest parts today-- the resentment list. Now, besides looking at where others have hurt me, I also had to do some serious soul searching and write down my part in the situation and what I was afraid of. This wholistic approach prevents me from focusing on what other have done to me. It calls for a sweeping light of truth to examine in detail the entire situation and to bravely acknowledge where I played a part.
More later.
There are people in recovery who have never made the 4th step. Some program folk like to say that this is where the rubber meets recovery. This huge writing process involves creating a list of our resentments, our fears, our sex inventory and who we had harmed. The big book of AA says that when we are doing this we "absorb some big chunks and truths about ourselves".
I wrote my first 4th step in AA back in 2002. I had a blue notebook that I wrote in and wrote in and wrote in. I was constantly scribbling. In the end, my sponsor said that she was not going to wade through 188 pages of bullshit. It was called the great american fourth step. I had a tramatic experience happen when I was first writing my step. I had a sponsor who suddenly fell off the planet when I was working on this step. Doing this step brings up a lot about yourself and it is best to have a sponsor whom I can call when I get what I call the feeling attacks from the 4th step. I do not write this stuff to impress my sponsor, but for myself. Putting this down on paper is cathartic and a wonderful experience. It is also humbling and scary and calls for great courage to be honest in areas that I never thought I would share with another person.
Today I started writing the first part of my inventory. I went to the starbucks by my house and just started writing. I have to write outside of my house or else I will find other things to do. At my house this morning, I already ordered new shoes and got an order for my new glasses. I knew that I just had to start writing.
I did one of the hardest parts today-- the resentment list. Now, besides looking at where others have hurt me, I also had to do some serious soul searching and write down my part in the situation and what I was afraid of. This wholistic approach prevents me from focusing on what other have done to me. It calls for a sweeping light of truth to examine in detail the entire situation and to bravely acknowledge where I played a part.
More later.
Numbers
I don't mean the book of the Old Testament.
I have changed my weigh date due to the 25th of each month.
i jumped on the scale on 10/25 and here's where we stand.
Weight on August 16th 275
Weight on October 25 242
Dress size on 8/16 24
Dress size on 10/25 20
I am so grateful for the removal of the obsession to eat and to emotionally eat. The weight loss is secondary.
I have changed my weigh date due to the 25th of each month.
i jumped on the scale on 10/25 and here's where we stand.
Weight on August 16th 275
Weight on October 25 242
Dress size on 8/16 24
Dress size on 10/25 20
I am so grateful for the removal of the obsession to eat and to emotionally eat. The weight loss is secondary.
Unexpected surprises
Hey there!
Long time no blog. I thought that my computer, which I just bought was on the fritz. Apparently, my other roommates at the big yellow house thought there computers were messed up. A call to Time Warner fixed that and we are all back on the net.
It has been a week that has been tough! I was called on the carpet at work and had to honestly look at what I was doing and ask myself if I could honestly say that I had been giving my students the best I could give. I also had to deal with a scary situation that brought up issues I never thought I'd have to deal with.
Yet, my birthday came and went this past week. I have now turned 32 years old. Since I have not been eating sugar or flour I asked my students to bring in balloons. One little girl went so far as to bring in a basket of fruit and balloons plus a sweet card. My co-teacher decorated the classroom and had the kids waiting in the dark when I walked in late, grumpy and carrying three things of starbucks coffee. The policy in my classroom is that if you are late, you are subject to dancing the chicken dance. I knew that I was late but I was determined to not dance the chicken dance.
The day was a great day all around. I had some surprise visitors. My all time favorite student from my old school arrived and we spent a few hours together. Another former student arrived later on. Lastly, at dinner with my OA pals, an old friend from my AA days came to dinner. We have mutual friends in common and it was wonderful to see the cross over. I hadnt seen her since my days in AA.
I am still celebrating my birthday. I have three more events spread out throughout the week. I have been able to be with friends, and not veer off my food plan.
At the end of my birthday, I was pooped. It was a very, very rich and full day that was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
Long time no blog. I thought that my computer, which I just bought was on the fritz. Apparently, my other roommates at the big yellow house thought there computers were messed up. A call to Time Warner fixed that and we are all back on the net.
It has been a week that has been tough! I was called on the carpet at work and had to honestly look at what I was doing and ask myself if I could honestly say that I had been giving my students the best I could give. I also had to deal with a scary situation that brought up issues I never thought I'd have to deal with.
Yet, my birthday came and went this past week. I have now turned 32 years old. Since I have not been eating sugar or flour I asked my students to bring in balloons. One little girl went so far as to bring in a basket of fruit and balloons plus a sweet card. My co-teacher decorated the classroom and had the kids waiting in the dark when I walked in late, grumpy and carrying three things of starbucks coffee. The policy in my classroom is that if you are late, you are subject to dancing the chicken dance. I knew that I was late but I was determined to not dance the chicken dance.
The day was a great day all around. I had some surprise visitors. My all time favorite student from my old school arrived and we spent a few hours together. Another former student arrived later on. Lastly, at dinner with my OA pals, an old friend from my AA days came to dinner. We have mutual friends in common and it was wonderful to see the cross over. I hadnt seen her since my days in AA.
I am still celebrating my birthday. I have three more events spread out throughout the week. I have been able to be with friends, and not veer off my food plan.
At the end of my birthday, I was pooped. It was a very, very rich and full day that was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Step 3
Step 3:"Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of
God as we understood Him"
"We now say yes to this Power, deciding from here on to follow
spiritual guidance in making every decision."
I have been reading a lot about step 3 because this is such a tough
one. This is easy to talk about but to actually do this on a daily
basis is a really tough thing for such a control freak like me. I have
such shakey ground with trust and faith that trusting something to a
power outside of myself is something that I really, really struggle
with. In the writing that I've done about steps one and two, I can
fully appreciate that I AM powerless over food, that my life was
totally unmanageable and that it was going to take a power greater
than me to relieve me of this obsession and insanity. I heard that
taking step three is like making a decision to buy a house. When we
first make the decision to buy a house, we do not just pack up our
stuff and move into the house the next day. It is a process that we
have to take slowly. After deciding to buy a house, we have to find a
realtor, then we have to find a bank or banker, then we have to hire
inspectors and contractors and then we have to wait for the escrow to
close and then we have to sell our houses and then we have to clean
our house, then we have to hire movers and finally, finally later on
we get to move. We have been thinking and acting on this decision and
by the time we finally get to our new house we have been actively
involved in this proecess for a long time.
This step used to really freak me out because it felt like I had to
get this 100% right and that it was like commiting myself to a new
spiritual path forever and forgetting about my past experiences. In
reaity, this is a decision based on faith, faith that has slowly been
building through the examination of my life over the course of the
first two steps. In writing about these steps in such detail, I have
really been able to lay all the evidence out on the table so that I
can look back and see how appropriate it is to make a decision to turn
my life over to God. . But it is just a decision-- a decision that I
can make over and over and over again. It is not just a one time
decision-- it's a decision that happens each time I say the third step
prayer or ask for God's will and not mine. If I'm having a crappy day,
I have to keep making this decision over and over again. I'm ok with
giving my will over for about 15 minutes at a time and then I find
that I've slowly pulled it back and am now holding onto the reigns of
my life again with tightly closed hands.
God as we understood Him"
"We now say yes to this Power, deciding from here on to follow
spiritual guidance in making every decision."
I have been reading a lot about step 3 because this is such a tough
one. This is easy to talk about but to actually do this on a daily
basis is a really tough thing for such a control freak like me. I have
such shakey ground with trust and faith that trusting something to a
power outside of myself is something that I really, really struggle
with. In the writing that I've done about steps one and two, I can
fully appreciate that I AM powerless over food, that my life was
totally unmanageable and that it was going to take a power greater
than me to relieve me of this obsession and insanity. I heard that
taking step three is like making a decision to buy a house. When we
first make the decision to buy a house, we do not just pack up our
stuff and move into the house the next day. It is a process that we
have to take slowly. After deciding to buy a house, we have to find a
realtor, then we have to find a bank or banker, then we have to hire
inspectors and contractors and then we have to wait for the escrow to
close and then we have to sell our houses and then we have to clean
our house, then we have to hire movers and finally, finally later on
we get to move. We have been thinking and acting on this decision and
by the time we finally get to our new house we have been actively
involved in this proecess for a long time.
This step used to really freak me out because it felt like I had to
get this 100% right and that it was like commiting myself to a new
spiritual path forever and forgetting about my past experiences. In
reaity, this is a decision based on faith, faith that has slowly been
building through the examination of my life over the course of the
first two steps. In writing about these steps in such detail, I have
really been able to lay all the evidence out on the table so that I
can look back and see how appropriate it is to make a decision to turn
my life over to God. . But it is just a decision-- a decision that I
can make over and over and over again. It is not just a one time
decision-- it's a decision that happens each time I say the third step
prayer or ask for God's will and not mine. If I'm having a crappy day,
I have to keep making this decision over and over again. I'm ok with
giving my will over for about 15 minutes at a time and then I find
that I've slowly pulled it back and am now holding onto the reigns of
my life again with tightly closed hands.
Dear Church
Dear Church,
I never thought that I'd be writing this to you. I thought that we would be together forever, sailing off into the sunset with us snuggled together sharing our histories and playing the lets remember game. We'd whip out the photo album and look and this shot and that shot and all the shots inbetween and all the retreats and services and other social events. I feel like this is a dear john letter, a letter that you probably aren't even ready to receive.
I've been around for about four years. I've given you a lot of myself in those four years. I've run groups, I've shopped for parties, I've coordinated retreats, I've planned services, I've gone to meetings, I've stood behind tables, I've carried up the gifts, I've sat on one side or another, I've met with almost all of the priests, at one time a lot of my good friends were employed by you, I've even been hired by you for one day, I've slept over in the church, I've pushed buttons and have been a gopher for a large service and have gone at all hours of the night to Kinkos to make copies of a dvd, I've donated a lot of my time, I've donated some money, I've gone to Africa with a group, I've spoken at workshops, etc. I've done a whole lot.
Currently, I am involved in two major groups- the college group and the Recovery Eucharist. One I coordinate, one I am just a part of. I am currently frustrated beyond major belief because I cannot physically continue on with this pace. For the longest time, it seemed to be ok that I was doing everything because it helped out that ministry. I am now afraid to tell the priest in charge that I cannot function at such a high level and continue to be sane. I find that I am currently a walking example of the word "insanity" which, according to program speak means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I really do fall into that trap and expect to feel better even though my behaviors remain the same. I am reminded of the phrase, nothing changes if nothing changes. If I don't stand up for myself and dont speak out about how crappy I feel then I can expect the cycle to continue and my resentments to keep building. I know what prevents my forward movement. I am afraid in a self-centered way that shows I am afraid of losing what I have, a relationship with an amazing priest and/or not getting what I want. I just don't want another conflict in my life. I don't want to lose another group, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable by being honest and I feel like I stand to lose a lot if I don't stand true and strong to my feelings and desires. I am just tired of this ministry. I am tired of being sick and tired. I will also admit that it makes me also want to pull back and not be as involved.
Another resentment that revolves around my head is the idea of tithing and the gospel of prosperity which implies that more you give to the church, the more you stand to gain. It's based on the principle of trusting God to provide your needs and more if you are willing to give back to God and the church community. I grew up with putting money in the collection basket. I have no problem donating some money but when I am blatantly told that the amount I give is in direct proportion to my faith. I do remember something about time and treausre and talents and I really feel like I tithe my time. I have about 20 free hours a week to do a variety of things and if I'm not at work or therapy, I'm either in a meeting or am involved with something at church. The church is so focused on money that it is expanding its current building plan from its incredibly large campus and add on at least 75 million dollars worth of new buildings and new parking, etc. All the while, the church kicked out the childrens center. I am just not interested in helping this campaign fund.
Lastly, I am so upset still about the behaviors of a few people who used to be in my intimate circle and while I was on vacation, I received an email that more or less destroyed the friendships I had with these people. It's now as if I don't exist and I really do hate that in a community that I once loved and adored, I now feel ritually unclean and not a part of.
I am so disappointed with you Church.
i think we need a break from each other.
I never thought that I'd be writing this to you. I thought that we would be together forever, sailing off into the sunset with us snuggled together sharing our histories and playing the lets remember game. We'd whip out the photo album and look and this shot and that shot and all the shots inbetween and all the retreats and services and other social events. I feel like this is a dear john letter, a letter that you probably aren't even ready to receive.
I've been around for about four years. I've given you a lot of myself in those four years. I've run groups, I've shopped for parties, I've coordinated retreats, I've planned services, I've gone to meetings, I've stood behind tables, I've carried up the gifts, I've sat on one side or another, I've met with almost all of the priests, at one time a lot of my good friends were employed by you, I've even been hired by you for one day, I've slept over in the church, I've pushed buttons and have been a gopher for a large service and have gone at all hours of the night to Kinkos to make copies of a dvd, I've donated a lot of my time, I've donated some money, I've gone to Africa with a group, I've spoken at workshops, etc. I've done a whole lot.
Currently, I am involved in two major groups- the college group and the Recovery Eucharist. One I coordinate, one I am just a part of. I am currently frustrated beyond major belief because I cannot physically continue on with this pace. For the longest time, it seemed to be ok that I was doing everything because it helped out that ministry. I am now afraid to tell the priest in charge that I cannot function at such a high level and continue to be sane. I find that I am currently a walking example of the word "insanity" which, according to program speak means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I really do fall into that trap and expect to feel better even though my behaviors remain the same. I am reminded of the phrase, nothing changes if nothing changes. If I don't stand up for myself and dont speak out about how crappy I feel then I can expect the cycle to continue and my resentments to keep building. I know what prevents my forward movement. I am afraid in a self-centered way that shows I am afraid of losing what I have, a relationship with an amazing priest and/or not getting what I want. I just don't want another conflict in my life. I don't want to lose another group, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable by being honest and I feel like I stand to lose a lot if I don't stand true and strong to my feelings and desires. I am just tired of this ministry. I am tired of being sick and tired. I will also admit that it makes me also want to pull back and not be as involved.
Another resentment that revolves around my head is the idea of tithing and the gospel of prosperity which implies that more you give to the church, the more you stand to gain. It's based on the principle of trusting God to provide your needs and more if you are willing to give back to God and the church community. I grew up with putting money in the collection basket. I have no problem donating some money but when I am blatantly told that the amount I give is in direct proportion to my faith. I do remember something about time and treausre and talents and I really feel like I tithe my time. I have about 20 free hours a week to do a variety of things and if I'm not at work or therapy, I'm either in a meeting or am involved with something at church. The church is so focused on money that it is expanding its current building plan from its incredibly large campus and add on at least 75 million dollars worth of new buildings and new parking, etc. All the while, the church kicked out the childrens center. I am just not interested in helping this campaign fund.
Lastly, I am so upset still about the behaviors of a few people who used to be in my intimate circle and while I was on vacation, I received an email that more or less destroyed the friendships I had with these people. It's now as if I don't exist and I really do hate that in a community that I once loved and adored, I now feel ritually unclean and not a part of.
I am so disappointed with you Church.
i think we need a break from each other.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Sunday sharing
Today was one hell of a day. It all started with church this morning. I've been having some real issues with the church that I attend. I have been disappointed in some of the behaviors I've seen and I've been disappointed profoundly. I guess I thought that I was over that. Last night while out with friends, I heard some news that made my stomach drop about 133 flights. This news ripped open any healing that was covering my old wounds and resentments. I went to bed and dreamed about it and woke up feeling angry, apathetic and generally disinterested in church and everything that goes along with it. I was just acting as if in the service and really was just feeling a whole lot of feelings. My sponsor says that feelings aren't facts but I am such a novice to feeling feelings that in my perception they seem that way.
After church, I had the great opportunity to hang out with an ex of mine. She and I had not seen each other for a good eight years. We just hung out and talked and talked and I think that we were both pleasantly surprised to see that we have both become the type of people that we'd like to be friends with. We are both engaged in activities that bring richness and fullness to our lives. We had a great talk for a few hours and when I dropped her off at the airport I knew that I had made a good connection with an awesome person.
After this I went to an OA meeting and actually shared. I waited until the last minute but I did share and I felt better after the share. I had a good connect with my friends and my sponsor.
It was when I was at Wild Oats that I had an emotional attack and just about shut down. I quickly bought my groceries and when I got into the car I heard the remake of the Pretender's song "I'll stand by you" which just made me feel even worse. I am grateful for my OA community. I am just so glad that in OA I'm not focused on being popular but focused on working the steps.
Thank you OA
After church, I had the great opportunity to hang out with an ex of mine. She and I had not seen each other for a good eight years. We just hung out and talked and talked and I think that we were both pleasantly surprised to see that we have both become the type of people that we'd like to be friends with. We are both engaged in activities that bring richness and fullness to our lives. We had a great talk for a few hours and when I dropped her off at the airport I knew that I had made a good connection with an awesome person.
After this I went to an OA meeting and actually shared. I waited until the last minute but I did share and I felt better after the share. I had a good connect with my friends and my sponsor.
It was when I was at Wild Oats that I had an emotional attack and just about shut down. I quickly bought my groceries and when I got into the car I heard the remake of the Pretender's song "I'll stand by you" which just made me feel even worse. I am grateful for my OA community. I am just so glad that in OA I'm not focused on being popular but focused on working the steps.
Thank you OA
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