I took my time looking for a sponsor this time around. The last sponsor I had was chosen too quickly and for how she looked on the outside.
When I first came to OA, a well meaning soul pointed out two people and told me to ask. Fortunately, both of these people were full. Another person came along who looked promising and she was full. Another one had great physical recovery but I wasnt so sure about emotions.
Then I met my sponsor. It makes me think of how small this world is and how people who are fundamentally different in lifestyles and beliefs can share so much when it comes to food and addictions. It is on this path of the 12 steps that we meet our trudge buddies and our guides for the journey.
All my sponsor asks of me each day is to write about 2 paragraphs from the OA 12 and 12 and email it in to her. I also email her my food for the day. I have also started calling her everday since I have been a bit gunshy about calling people since I fear rejection. I have really come to enjoy our talks. We also text message a bit too.
I just had a great dinner with my sponsor and another friend who also has this woman for a sponsor. It was a great abstinent meal that makes me grateful for being in OA and not having to do this alone.
As I dropped off my friend, she said Im glad you were born and glad you came to OA.
I couldn't ask for more.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
4th step
Step 4-- "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
There are people in recovery who have never made the 4th step. Some program folk like to say that this is where the rubber meets recovery. This huge writing process involves creating a list of our resentments, our fears, our sex inventory and who we had harmed. The big book of AA says that when we are doing this we "absorb some big chunks and truths about ourselves".
I wrote my first 4th step in AA back in 2002. I had a blue notebook that I wrote in and wrote in and wrote in. I was constantly scribbling. In the end, my sponsor said that she was not going to wade through 188 pages of bullshit. It was called the great american fourth step. I had a tramatic experience happen when I was first writing my step. I had a sponsor who suddenly fell off the planet when I was working on this step. Doing this step brings up a lot about yourself and it is best to have a sponsor whom I can call when I get what I call the feeling attacks from the 4th step. I do not write this stuff to impress my sponsor, but for myself. Putting this down on paper is cathartic and a wonderful experience. It is also humbling and scary and calls for great courage to be honest in areas that I never thought I would share with another person.
Today I started writing the first part of my inventory. I went to the starbucks by my house and just started writing. I have to write outside of my house or else I will find other things to do. At my house this morning, I already ordered new shoes and got an order for my new glasses. I knew that I just had to start writing.
I did one of the hardest parts today-- the resentment list. Now, besides looking at where others have hurt me, I also had to do some serious soul searching and write down my part in the situation and what I was afraid of. This wholistic approach prevents me from focusing on what other have done to me. It calls for a sweeping light of truth to examine in detail the entire situation and to bravely acknowledge where I played a part.
More later.
There are people in recovery who have never made the 4th step. Some program folk like to say that this is where the rubber meets recovery. This huge writing process involves creating a list of our resentments, our fears, our sex inventory and who we had harmed. The big book of AA says that when we are doing this we "absorb some big chunks and truths about ourselves".
I wrote my first 4th step in AA back in 2002. I had a blue notebook that I wrote in and wrote in and wrote in. I was constantly scribbling. In the end, my sponsor said that she was not going to wade through 188 pages of bullshit. It was called the great american fourth step. I had a tramatic experience happen when I was first writing my step. I had a sponsor who suddenly fell off the planet when I was working on this step. Doing this step brings up a lot about yourself and it is best to have a sponsor whom I can call when I get what I call the feeling attacks from the 4th step. I do not write this stuff to impress my sponsor, but for myself. Putting this down on paper is cathartic and a wonderful experience. It is also humbling and scary and calls for great courage to be honest in areas that I never thought I would share with another person.
Today I started writing the first part of my inventory. I went to the starbucks by my house and just started writing. I have to write outside of my house or else I will find other things to do. At my house this morning, I already ordered new shoes and got an order for my new glasses. I knew that I just had to start writing.
I did one of the hardest parts today-- the resentment list. Now, besides looking at where others have hurt me, I also had to do some serious soul searching and write down my part in the situation and what I was afraid of. This wholistic approach prevents me from focusing on what other have done to me. It calls for a sweeping light of truth to examine in detail the entire situation and to bravely acknowledge where I played a part.
More later.
Numbers
I don't mean the book of the Old Testament.
I have changed my weigh date due to the 25th of each month.
i jumped on the scale on 10/25 and here's where we stand.
Weight on August 16th 275
Weight on October 25 242
Dress size on 8/16 24
Dress size on 10/25 20
I am so grateful for the removal of the obsession to eat and to emotionally eat. The weight loss is secondary.
I have changed my weigh date due to the 25th of each month.
i jumped on the scale on 10/25 and here's where we stand.
Weight on August 16th 275
Weight on October 25 242
Dress size on 8/16 24
Dress size on 10/25 20
I am so grateful for the removal of the obsession to eat and to emotionally eat. The weight loss is secondary.
Unexpected surprises
Hey there!
Long time no blog. I thought that my computer, which I just bought was on the fritz. Apparently, my other roommates at the big yellow house thought there computers were messed up. A call to Time Warner fixed that and we are all back on the net.
It has been a week that has been tough! I was called on the carpet at work and had to honestly look at what I was doing and ask myself if I could honestly say that I had been giving my students the best I could give. I also had to deal with a scary situation that brought up issues I never thought I'd have to deal with.
Yet, my birthday came and went this past week. I have now turned 32 years old. Since I have not been eating sugar or flour I asked my students to bring in balloons. One little girl went so far as to bring in a basket of fruit and balloons plus a sweet card. My co-teacher decorated the classroom and had the kids waiting in the dark when I walked in late, grumpy and carrying three things of starbucks coffee. The policy in my classroom is that if you are late, you are subject to dancing the chicken dance. I knew that I was late but I was determined to not dance the chicken dance.
The day was a great day all around. I had some surprise visitors. My all time favorite student from my old school arrived and we spent a few hours together. Another former student arrived later on. Lastly, at dinner with my OA pals, an old friend from my AA days came to dinner. We have mutual friends in common and it was wonderful to see the cross over. I hadnt seen her since my days in AA.
I am still celebrating my birthday. I have three more events spread out throughout the week. I have been able to be with friends, and not veer off my food plan.
At the end of my birthday, I was pooped. It was a very, very rich and full day that was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
Long time no blog. I thought that my computer, which I just bought was on the fritz. Apparently, my other roommates at the big yellow house thought there computers were messed up. A call to Time Warner fixed that and we are all back on the net.
It has been a week that has been tough! I was called on the carpet at work and had to honestly look at what I was doing and ask myself if I could honestly say that I had been giving my students the best I could give. I also had to deal with a scary situation that brought up issues I never thought I'd have to deal with.
Yet, my birthday came and went this past week. I have now turned 32 years old. Since I have not been eating sugar or flour I asked my students to bring in balloons. One little girl went so far as to bring in a basket of fruit and balloons plus a sweet card. My co-teacher decorated the classroom and had the kids waiting in the dark when I walked in late, grumpy and carrying three things of starbucks coffee. The policy in my classroom is that if you are late, you are subject to dancing the chicken dance. I knew that I was late but I was determined to not dance the chicken dance.
The day was a great day all around. I had some surprise visitors. My all time favorite student from my old school arrived and we spent a few hours together. Another former student arrived later on. Lastly, at dinner with my OA pals, an old friend from my AA days came to dinner. We have mutual friends in common and it was wonderful to see the cross over. I hadnt seen her since my days in AA.
I am still celebrating my birthday. I have three more events spread out throughout the week. I have been able to be with friends, and not veer off my food plan.
At the end of my birthday, I was pooped. It was a very, very rich and full day that was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Step 3
Step 3:"Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of
God as we understood Him"
"We now say yes to this Power, deciding from here on to follow
spiritual guidance in making every decision."
I have been reading a lot about step 3 because this is such a tough
one. This is easy to talk about but to actually do this on a daily
basis is a really tough thing for such a control freak like me. I have
such shakey ground with trust and faith that trusting something to a
power outside of myself is something that I really, really struggle
with. In the writing that I've done about steps one and two, I can
fully appreciate that I AM powerless over food, that my life was
totally unmanageable and that it was going to take a power greater
than me to relieve me of this obsession and insanity. I heard that
taking step three is like making a decision to buy a house. When we
first make the decision to buy a house, we do not just pack up our
stuff and move into the house the next day. It is a process that we
have to take slowly. After deciding to buy a house, we have to find a
realtor, then we have to find a bank or banker, then we have to hire
inspectors and contractors and then we have to wait for the escrow to
close and then we have to sell our houses and then we have to clean
our house, then we have to hire movers and finally, finally later on
we get to move. We have been thinking and acting on this decision and
by the time we finally get to our new house we have been actively
involved in this proecess for a long time.
This step used to really freak me out because it felt like I had to
get this 100% right and that it was like commiting myself to a new
spiritual path forever and forgetting about my past experiences. In
reaity, this is a decision based on faith, faith that has slowly been
building through the examination of my life over the course of the
first two steps. In writing about these steps in such detail, I have
really been able to lay all the evidence out on the table so that I
can look back and see how appropriate it is to make a decision to turn
my life over to God. . But it is just a decision-- a decision that I
can make over and over and over again. It is not just a one time
decision-- it's a decision that happens each time I say the third step
prayer or ask for God's will and not mine. If I'm having a crappy day,
I have to keep making this decision over and over again. I'm ok with
giving my will over for about 15 minutes at a time and then I find
that I've slowly pulled it back and am now holding onto the reigns of
my life again with tightly closed hands.
God as we understood Him"
"We now say yes to this Power, deciding from here on to follow
spiritual guidance in making every decision."
I have been reading a lot about step 3 because this is such a tough
one. This is easy to talk about but to actually do this on a daily
basis is a really tough thing for such a control freak like me. I have
such shakey ground with trust and faith that trusting something to a
power outside of myself is something that I really, really struggle
with. In the writing that I've done about steps one and two, I can
fully appreciate that I AM powerless over food, that my life was
totally unmanageable and that it was going to take a power greater
than me to relieve me of this obsession and insanity. I heard that
taking step three is like making a decision to buy a house. When we
first make the decision to buy a house, we do not just pack up our
stuff and move into the house the next day. It is a process that we
have to take slowly. After deciding to buy a house, we have to find a
realtor, then we have to find a bank or banker, then we have to hire
inspectors and contractors and then we have to wait for the escrow to
close and then we have to sell our houses and then we have to clean
our house, then we have to hire movers and finally, finally later on
we get to move. We have been thinking and acting on this decision and
by the time we finally get to our new house we have been actively
involved in this proecess for a long time.
This step used to really freak me out because it felt like I had to
get this 100% right and that it was like commiting myself to a new
spiritual path forever and forgetting about my past experiences. In
reaity, this is a decision based on faith, faith that has slowly been
building through the examination of my life over the course of the
first two steps. In writing about these steps in such detail, I have
really been able to lay all the evidence out on the table so that I
can look back and see how appropriate it is to make a decision to turn
my life over to God. . But it is just a decision-- a decision that I
can make over and over and over again. It is not just a one time
decision-- it's a decision that happens each time I say the third step
prayer or ask for God's will and not mine. If I'm having a crappy day,
I have to keep making this decision over and over again. I'm ok with
giving my will over for about 15 minutes at a time and then I find
that I've slowly pulled it back and am now holding onto the reigns of
my life again with tightly closed hands.
Dear Church
Dear Church,
I never thought that I'd be writing this to you. I thought that we would be together forever, sailing off into the sunset with us snuggled together sharing our histories and playing the lets remember game. We'd whip out the photo album and look and this shot and that shot and all the shots inbetween and all the retreats and services and other social events. I feel like this is a dear john letter, a letter that you probably aren't even ready to receive.
I've been around for about four years. I've given you a lot of myself in those four years. I've run groups, I've shopped for parties, I've coordinated retreats, I've planned services, I've gone to meetings, I've stood behind tables, I've carried up the gifts, I've sat on one side or another, I've met with almost all of the priests, at one time a lot of my good friends were employed by you, I've even been hired by you for one day, I've slept over in the church, I've pushed buttons and have been a gopher for a large service and have gone at all hours of the night to Kinkos to make copies of a dvd, I've donated a lot of my time, I've donated some money, I've gone to Africa with a group, I've spoken at workshops, etc. I've done a whole lot.
Currently, I am involved in two major groups- the college group and the Recovery Eucharist. One I coordinate, one I am just a part of. I am currently frustrated beyond major belief because I cannot physically continue on with this pace. For the longest time, it seemed to be ok that I was doing everything because it helped out that ministry. I am now afraid to tell the priest in charge that I cannot function at such a high level and continue to be sane. I find that I am currently a walking example of the word "insanity" which, according to program speak means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I really do fall into that trap and expect to feel better even though my behaviors remain the same. I am reminded of the phrase, nothing changes if nothing changes. If I don't stand up for myself and dont speak out about how crappy I feel then I can expect the cycle to continue and my resentments to keep building. I know what prevents my forward movement. I am afraid in a self-centered way that shows I am afraid of losing what I have, a relationship with an amazing priest and/or not getting what I want. I just don't want another conflict in my life. I don't want to lose another group, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable by being honest and I feel like I stand to lose a lot if I don't stand true and strong to my feelings and desires. I am just tired of this ministry. I am tired of being sick and tired. I will also admit that it makes me also want to pull back and not be as involved.
Another resentment that revolves around my head is the idea of tithing and the gospel of prosperity which implies that more you give to the church, the more you stand to gain. It's based on the principle of trusting God to provide your needs and more if you are willing to give back to God and the church community. I grew up with putting money in the collection basket. I have no problem donating some money but when I am blatantly told that the amount I give is in direct proportion to my faith. I do remember something about time and treausre and talents and I really feel like I tithe my time. I have about 20 free hours a week to do a variety of things and if I'm not at work or therapy, I'm either in a meeting or am involved with something at church. The church is so focused on money that it is expanding its current building plan from its incredibly large campus and add on at least 75 million dollars worth of new buildings and new parking, etc. All the while, the church kicked out the childrens center. I am just not interested in helping this campaign fund.
Lastly, I am so upset still about the behaviors of a few people who used to be in my intimate circle and while I was on vacation, I received an email that more or less destroyed the friendships I had with these people. It's now as if I don't exist and I really do hate that in a community that I once loved and adored, I now feel ritually unclean and not a part of.
I am so disappointed with you Church.
i think we need a break from each other.
I never thought that I'd be writing this to you. I thought that we would be together forever, sailing off into the sunset with us snuggled together sharing our histories and playing the lets remember game. We'd whip out the photo album and look and this shot and that shot and all the shots inbetween and all the retreats and services and other social events. I feel like this is a dear john letter, a letter that you probably aren't even ready to receive.
I've been around for about four years. I've given you a lot of myself in those four years. I've run groups, I've shopped for parties, I've coordinated retreats, I've planned services, I've gone to meetings, I've stood behind tables, I've carried up the gifts, I've sat on one side or another, I've met with almost all of the priests, at one time a lot of my good friends were employed by you, I've even been hired by you for one day, I've slept over in the church, I've pushed buttons and have been a gopher for a large service and have gone at all hours of the night to Kinkos to make copies of a dvd, I've donated a lot of my time, I've donated some money, I've gone to Africa with a group, I've spoken at workshops, etc. I've done a whole lot.
Currently, I am involved in two major groups- the college group and the Recovery Eucharist. One I coordinate, one I am just a part of. I am currently frustrated beyond major belief because I cannot physically continue on with this pace. For the longest time, it seemed to be ok that I was doing everything because it helped out that ministry. I am now afraid to tell the priest in charge that I cannot function at such a high level and continue to be sane. I find that I am currently a walking example of the word "insanity" which, according to program speak means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I really do fall into that trap and expect to feel better even though my behaviors remain the same. I am reminded of the phrase, nothing changes if nothing changes. If I don't stand up for myself and dont speak out about how crappy I feel then I can expect the cycle to continue and my resentments to keep building. I know what prevents my forward movement. I am afraid in a self-centered way that shows I am afraid of losing what I have, a relationship with an amazing priest and/or not getting what I want. I just don't want another conflict in my life. I don't want to lose another group, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable by being honest and I feel like I stand to lose a lot if I don't stand true and strong to my feelings and desires. I am just tired of this ministry. I am tired of being sick and tired. I will also admit that it makes me also want to pull back and not be as involved.
Another resentment that revolves around my head is the idea of tithing and the gospel of prosperity which implies that more you give to the church, the more you stand to gain. It's based on the principle of trusting God to provide your needs and more if you are willing to give back to God and the church community. I grew up with putting money in the collection basket. I have no problem donating some money but when I am blatantly told that the amount I give is in direct proportion to my faith. I do remember something about time and treausre and talents and I really feel like I tithe my time. I have about 20 free hours a week to do a variety of things and if I'm not at work or therapy, I'm either in a meeting or am involved with something at church. The church is so focused on money that it is expanding its current building plan from its incredibly large campus and add on at least 75 million dollars worth of new buildings and new parking, etc. All the while, the church kicked out the childrens center. I am just not interested in helping this campaign fund.
Lastly, I am so upset still about the behaviors of a few people who used to be in my intimate circle and while I was on vacation, I received an email that more or less destroyed the friendships I had with these people. It's now as if I don't exist and I really do hate that in a community that I once loved and adored, I now feel ritually unclean and not a part of.
I am so disappointed with you Church.
i think we need a break from each other.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Sunday sharing
Today was one hell of a day. It all started with church this morning. I've been having some real issues with the church that I attend. I have been disappointed in some of the behaviors I've seen and I've been disappointed profoundly. I guess I thought that I was over that. Last night while out with friends, I heard some news that made my stomach drop about 133 flights. This news ripped open any healing that was covering my old wounds and resentments. I went to bed and dreamed about it and woke up feeling angry, apathetic and generally disinterested in church and everything that goes along with it. I was just acting as if in the service and really was just feeling a whole lot of feelings. My sponsor says that feelings aren't facts but I am such a novice to feeling feelings that in my perception they seem that way.
After church, I had the great opportunity to hang out with an ex of mine. She and I had not seen each other for a good eight years. We just hung out and talked and talked and I think that we were both pleasantly surprised to see that we have both become the type of people that we'd like to be friends with. We are both engaged in activities that bring richness and fullness to our lives. We had a great talk for a few hours and when I dropped her off at the airport I knew that I had made a good connection with an awesome person.
After this I went to an OA meeting and actually shared. I waited until the last minute but I did share and I felt better after the share. I had a good connect with my friends and my sponsor.
It was when I was at Wild Oats that I had an emotional attack and just about shut down. I quickly bought my groceries and when I got into the car I heard the remake of the Pretender's song "I'll stand by you" which just made me feel even worse. I am grateful for my OA community. I am just so glad that in OA I'm not focused on being popular but focused on working the steps.
Thank you OA
After church, I had the great opportunity to hang out with an ex of mine. She and I had not seen each other for a good eight years. We just hung out and talked and talked and I think that we were both pleasantly surprised to see that we have both become the type of people that we'd like to be friends with. We are both engaged in activities that bring richness and fullness to our lives. We had a great talk for a few hours and when I dropped her off at the airport I knew that I had made a good connection with an awesome person.
After this I went to an OA meeting and actually shared. I waited until the last minute but I did share and I felt better after the share. I had a good connect with my friends and my sponsor.
It was when I was at Wild Oats that I had an emotional attack and just about shut down. I quickly bought my groceries and when I got into the car I heard the remake of the Pretender's song "I'll stand by you" which just made me feel even worse. I am grateful for my OA community. I am just so glad that in OA I'm not focused on being popular but focused on working the steps.
Thank you OA
Saturday, October 13, 2007
almost sixty days--the numbers
Ok, I know that I wrote all about how the numbers arent a priority but here's for those who have to know.
Starting weight-- 275 size 26
30 days 262
57 -- 248 size 20
Starting weight-- 275 size 26
30 days 262
57 -- 248 size 20
It seems like I wrote this book...."When Food is Love"
I am reading Geneen Roth's When Food is Love. It seems like I've written the book that explores the relationship between eating and intimacy. I first remember seeing this book at a girlfriend's house about 8 years ago. I found this book again and have been reading it slowly. I am devouring the book and I bring it in to read to Dr. V and she says. "uhm did you change your name and write this book? I swear it's taken out of our conversations together." This book is an excellent example for me at least in regard to the reasons behind why we eat and what we eat. Our relationship with food today really has nothing to do with our current situations rather it deals with why we wont access those really painful situations that we encountered earlier in life.
Besides this book there is also a Geneen Roth website with great articles and other resources that help me to examine why we eat what we eat.
www.geneenroth.com
Besides this book there is also a Geneen Roth website with great articles and other resources that help me to examine why we eat what we eat.
www.geneenroth.com
What do you eat?
The great thing about OA is that there is no set food plan and the official program literature says that we are "not a diet and calories club." Each member is given the dignity of choice plan and is allowed to create their own abstinence.
What does my food plan look like? Well, that depends on my abstinence and my abstinence means that I don't eat any type of flour, artifical sugars, fast food, bing foods, any type of sugar or fried food and I eat three times at day--usually at 630am, Noon and at about 6pm. I also refrain from night eating and eating handfuls out of boxes or bags. Weighing and measuring works for me.
Here's a typical day. I get most of my food from Wild Oats market or Whole Foods
Breakfast-
1/2 cup cereal--Ezekiel Sprouted Grain cereal
1 cup milk
1/3 cup almonds
1 tbsp honey
Lunch
1 cup fat free plain yogurt
1 tbsp honey
1/3 cup almonds
1 apple
1 organic flax bar
1 diet coke
Dinner
Sharkey's power plate--
6 oz chicken
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup broccoli
What does my food plan look like? Well, that depends on my abstinence and my abstinence means that I don't eat any type of flour, artifical sugars, fast food, bing foods, any type of sugar or fried food and I eat three times at day--usually at 630am, Noon and at about 6pm. I also refrain from night eating and eating handfuls out of boxes or bags. Weighing and measuring works for me.
Here's a typical day. I get most of my food from Wild Oats market or Whole Foods
Breakfast-
1/2 cup cereal--Ezekiel Sprouted Grain cereal
1 cup milk
1/3 cup almonds
1 tbsp honey
Lunch
1 cup fat free plain yogurt
1 tbsp honey
1/3 cup almonds
1 apple
1 organic flax bar
1 diet coke
Dinner
Sharkey's power plate--
6 oz chicken
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup broccoli
Pitching-an email I sent to my sponsor
So we all went to Baja Fresh for dinner and of course the talk was about program and speaking
and etc, etc. As we were talking about the meeting and sharing, it got
to the point where everyone suddenly looked at me and seemed to
simultaneously say "you are too quiet. You need to share more."
Immediately, I said, "well, I talk all day and I just want to listen
and soak up the experience." Someone then said, "hey, you've got
almost sixty days and you have abstinence and you need to share about
that so that others can learn from you." I immediately recoiled from
that because the voice inside me said, you've got nothing to say. The
other rationalization that jumped into the picture was saying that I
am such a performer all day during school and saying funny stuff just
comes naturally to me that I don't want to share because I don't want
to create a share that just makes everyone laugh and is superficial
instead of talking about what I really feel. Of course all these
excuses are bullshit, and I do need to share more and realize at the
same time that people do want to hear what I have to say and that when
I stifle my share because it isnt perfect enough or that no one is
going laugh because I've had a shitty day or when I think that people
arent listening-- what I realize I'm doing is that I'm not letting God
work through me and I'm not valuing my own experience and I'm
essentially saying that I'm not good enough and that what I'm doing
isnt of value.
I am having a lot of feelings right now and it's hard to realize that
these feelings aren't facts. I am flooded with a desire for
connection, for intimacy and for physical contact with another human
being. I am both petrified and willing-- fearing it and desiring it at
the same time. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions-- the
half of me that isnt afraid of trying new things and making
connections and the half of me that wants to desparately hide behind
the shrinking me and say I'm too fat, too much a church nerd, too
involved in 12 steps to attract anyone. It's as if there are two
different people--- the person that is developing a new life, a new
way of seeing things and a new way of living and the person that is
afraid of change, afraid of rejection, afraid of connection, afraid of
being vulnerable and then being dumped on my ass, afraid of
unconditional love, afraid of just being me. The tension is
uncomfortable and throwing in the perfectionism makes it tough to just
sit and see what happens.
These are just my thoughts about sharing--both at a meeting and at the
heart level with another person.
and etc, etc. As we were talking about the meeting and sharing, it got
to the point where everyone suddenly looked at me and seemed to
simultaneously say "you are too quiet. You need to share more."
Immediately, I said, "well, I talk all day and I just want to listen
and soak up the experience." Someone then said, "hey, you've got
almost sixty days and you have abstinence and you need to share about
that so that others can learn from you." I immediately recoiled from
that because the voice inside me said, you've got nothing to say. The
other rationalization that jumped into the picture was saying that I
am such a performer all day during school and saying funny stuff just
comes naturally to me that I don't want to share because I don't want
to create a share that just makes everyone laugh and is superficial
instead of talking about what I really feel. Of course all these
excuses are bullshit, and I do need to share more and realize at the
same time that people do want to hear what I have to say and that when
I stifle my share because it isnt perfect enough or that no one is
going laugh because I've had a shitty day or when I think that people
arent listening-- what I realize I'm doing is that I'm not letting God
work through me and I'm not valuing my own experience and I'm
essentially saying that I'm not good enough and that what I'm doing
isnt of value.
I am having a lot of feelings right now and it's hard to realize that
these feelings aren't facts. I am flooded with a desire for
connection, for intimacy and for physical contact with another human
being. I am both petrified and willing-- fearing it and desiring it at
the same time. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions-- the
half of me that isnt afraid of trying new things and making
connections and the half of me that wants to desparately hide behind
the shrinking me and say I'm too fat, too much a church nerd, too
involved in 12 steps to attract anyone. It's as if there are two
different people--- the person that is developing a new life, a new
way of seeing things and a new way of living and the person that is
afraid of change, afraid of rejection, afraid of connection, afraid of
being vulnerable and then being dumped on my ass, afraid of
unconditional love, afraid of just being me. The tension is
uncomfortable and throwing in the perfectionism makes it tough to just
sit and see what happens.
These are just my thoughts about sharing--both at a meeting and at the
heart level with another person.
What the heck? Kombucha --from Wikipedia..Lindsay Lohan drinks it
My sponsor got me into this drink as I was consuming mass amounts of diet coke. It's a drink that my students say "smells like their grandma" but it is really good. Check it out.
Kombucha is the Western name for sweetened tea or tisane that has been fermented by a macroscopic solid mass of microorganisms called a "kombucha colony," usually consisting principally of Bacterium xylinum and yeast cultures. It has gained much popular support within many communities, mentioned by talk show hosts and celebrities. The increase in popularity can be seen by the many commercial brands coming onto the retail market and thousands of web pages about this fermented beverage.
The culture contains a symbiosis of yeast species and acetic acid bacteria, mostly Bacterium xylinum. Species of yeast involved vary, and may include: Brettanomyces bruxellensis, Candida stellata, Schizosaccharomyces pombe, Torulaspora delbrueckii and Zygosaccharomyces bailii. The culture itself looks somewhat like a large pancake, and though often called a mushroom, or by the acronym SCOBY (for "Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast"), it is clinically known as a zoogleal mat.
[edit]History and etymology
The recorded history of this drink dates back to the Qin Dynasty in China (around 250 BC). The Chinese called it the "Immortal Health Elixir," because they believed Kombucha balanced the Middle Qi (Spleen and Stomach) and aided in digestion, allowing the body to focus on healing. [citation needed] Knowledge of kombucha eventually reached Russia and then Eastern Europe around the Early Modern Age, when tea first became affordable by the populace.
The word kombucha, while sounding Japanese to foreign ears, is a misnomer when applied to this beverage. In fact, Kombucha (昆布茶) in Japanese refers to a tea-like infusion (cha) (actually, more of a thin soup) made from kelp (kombu), usually served to patients in convalescence. The Japanese refer to 'kombucha' as kōcha-kinoko (紅茶キノコ), which literally means black tea mushroom. [citation needed]
[edit]Russian "tea mushroom"
The process of brewing kombucha was introduced in Russia and the Ukraine at the end of the 1800s, and became popular in the early 1900s. The kombucha culture is known locally as chayniy grib, (чайный гриб - 'tea mushroom'), and the drink itself is referred to as grib (гриб - 'mushroom'), "tea kvass" or simply "kvass", although it differs from regular "kvass" which is not made from tea and is generally fermented only with yeast and not the other bacteria which ferment tea to form kombucha.
[edit]Components
This section does not cite any references or sources.
Please improve this section by adding citations to reliable sources. Unverifiable material may be challenged and removed. (tagged since June 2007)
Kombucha contains many different cultures along with several organic acids, active enzymes, amino acids, anti-oxidants, and polyphenols. For the home brewer, there is no way to know the amounts of the components unless a sample is sent to a laboratory. The US Food and Drug Administration has no findings on the effects of kombucha. Each strain of kombucha may contain some of the following components depending on the source of the culture:
Acetic acid, which mainly inhibits harmful bacteria and so is used as a preservative. It is also what gives Kombucha that 'kick' to its smell and taste.
Butyric acid, produced by the yeasts and when working with gluconic acid, and in help combat yeast infections such as candida.
Gluconic acid, effective against many yeast infections such as candidiasis and thrush.
Lactic acid, found in kombucha in its most potent form, L-lactic(+).
Malic acid, also used in the body's detoxification process.
Oxalic acid, encourages the cellular production of energy and is a natural preservative.
Usnic acid, a potent antibiotic that exhibits antiviral, antiprotozoal, antimitotic, anti-inflammatory and analgesic activity.
Kombucha also contains vitamin groups B and C, beneficial yeasts and bacteria.
[edit]Health effects
Aside from any possible health benefits, many users report a subtle but definite perceptual shift after consuming kombucha.[citation needed] It is generally characterized by mild euphoria, relaxation, and an overall sense of physical and mental well-being. This effect is not to be confused with the highs associated with some illegal drugs. Kombucha contains trace amounts of alcohol and caffeine, unless made with decaffeinated tea. Alcohol amounts vary from 0.5% to 1.7% depending on brewing time and amounts of sugar used in the fermentation of the tea which may account for the experiencing of these effects by some consumers.[citation needed] Another possible cause of these effects is the psychoactive amino acid L-theanine, which is naturally present in tea.[citation needed] Stimulation of the circulatory and immune systems, and associated glandular releases, may also account for some of these effects.
[edit]Trivia
Chef Josef Desimone of Google makes kombucha for Google employees. Almost 100 glasses of kombucha are served every day at Google cafeterias.
The popular alternative metal band System of a Down references kombucha in the song "Sugar" on their self-titled album. Lead vocalist Serj Tankian screams, "The kombucha mushroom people sitting around all day."
Singer-songwriter and guitarist M. Ward listed kombucha as his "best purchase of the past year" in 2006, stating that "It's an acquired taste, but they tell me it rejuvenates, restores, revitalizes and replenishes." [9]
On an episode of MTV Cribs featuring the home of surfer Laird Hamilton and volleyball player and model Gabrielle Reece, their refrigerator opened to reveal several bottles of "Kombucha Wonder Drink," a bottled tea drink containing kombucha. Reece removed a bottle and displayed it to the camera, stating that kombucha is "a very good healthy drink, it helps support mental health and gives energy."[10]
Lindsay Lohan has been spotted drinking kombucha after leaving rehab.[11]
[
Kombucha is the Western name for sweetened tea or tisane that has been fermented by a macroscopic solid mass of microorganisms called a "kombucha colony," usually consisting principally of Bacterium xylinum and yeast cultures. It has gained much popular support within many communities, mentioned by talk show hosts and celebrities. The increase in popularity can be seen by the many commercial brands coming onto the retail market and thousands of web pages about this fermented beverage.
The culture contains a symbiosis of yeast species and acetic acid bacteria, mostly Bacterium xylinum. Species of yeast involved vary, and may include: Brettanomyces bruxellensis, Candida stellata, Schizosaccharomyces pombe, Torulaspora delbrueckii and Zygosaccharomyces bailii. The culture itself looks somewhat like a large pancake, and though often called a mushroom, or by the acronym SCOBY (for "Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast"), it is clinically known as a zoogleal mat.
[edit]History and etymology
The recorded history of this drink dates back to the Qin Dynasty in China (around 250 BC). The Chinese called it the "Immortal Health Elixir," because they believed Kombucha balanced the Middle Qi (Spleen and Stomach) and aided in digestion, allowing the body to focus on healing. [citation needed] Knowledge of kombucha eventually reached Russia and then Eastern Europe around the Early Modern Age, when tea first became affordable by the populace.
The word kombucha, while sounding Japanese to foreign ears, is a misnomer when applied to this beverage. In fact, Kombucha (昆布茶) in Japanese refers to a tea-like infusion (cha) (actually, more of a thin soup) made from kelp (kombu), usually served to patients in convalescence. The Japanese refer to 'kombucha' as kōcha-kinoko (紅茶キノコ), which literally means black tea mushroom. [citation needed]
[edit]Russian "tea mushroom"
The process of brewing kombucha was introduced in Russia and the Ukraine at the end of the 1800s, and became popular in the early 1900s. The kombucha culture is known locally as chayniy grib, (чайный гриб - 'tea mushroom'), and the drink itself is referred to as grib (гриб - 'mushroom'), "tea kvass" or simply "kvass", although it differs from regular "kvass" which is not made from tea and is generally fermented only with yeast and not the other bacteria which ferment tea to form kombucha.
[edit]Components
This section does not cite any references or sources.
Please improve this section by adding citations to reliable sources. Unverifiable material may be challenged and removed. (tagged since June 2007)
Kombucha contains many different cultures along with several organic acids, active enzymes, amino acids, anti-oxidants, and polyphenols. For the home brewer, there is no way to know the amounts of the components unless a sample is sent to a laboratory. The US Food and Drug Administration has no findings on the effects of kombucha. Each strain of kombucha may contain some of the following components depending on the source of the culture:
Acetic acid, which mainly inhibits harmful bacteria and so is used as a preservative. It is also what gives Kombucha that 'kick' to its smell and taste.
Butyric acid, produced by the yeasts and when working with gluconic acid, and in help combat yeast infections such as candida.
Gluconic acid, effective against many yeast infections such as candidiasis and thrush.
Lactic acid, found in kombucha in its most potent form, L-lactic(+).
Malic acid, also used in the body's detoxification process.
Oxalic acid, encourages the cellular production of energy and is a natural preservative.
Usnic acid, a potent antibiotic that exhibits antiviral, antiprotozoal, antimitotic, anti-inflammatory and analgesic activity.
Kombucha also contains vitamin groups B and C, beneficial yeasts and bacteria.
[edit]Health effects
Aside from any possible health benefits, many users report a subtle but definite perceptual shift after consuming kombucha.[citation needed] It is generally characterized by mild euphoria, relaxation, and an overall sense of physical and mental well-being. This effect is not to be confused with the highs associated with some illegal drugs. Kombucha contains trace amounts of alcohol and caffeine, unless made with decaffeinated tea. Alcohol amounts vary from 0.5% to 1.7% depending on brewing time and amounts of sugar used in the fermentation of the tea which may account for the experiencing of these effects by some consumers.[citation needed] Another possible cause of these effects is the psychoactive amino acid L-theanine, which is naturally present in tea.[citation needed] Stimulation of the circulatory and immune systems, and associated glandular releases, may also account for some of these effects.
[edit]Trivia
Chef Josef Desimone of Google makes kombucha for Google employees. Almost 100 glasses of kombucha are served every day at Google cafeterias.
The popular alternative metal band System of a Down references kombucha in the song "Sugar" on their self-titled album. Lead vocalist Serj Tankian screams, "The kombucha mushroom people sitting around all day."
Singer-songwriter and guitarist M. Ward listed kombucha as his "best purchase of the past year" in 2006, stating that "It's an acquired taste, but they tell me it rejuvenates, restores, revitalizes and replenishes." [9]
On an episode of MTV Cribs featuring the home of surfer Laird Hamilton and volleyball player and model Gabrielle Reece, their refrigerator opened to reveal several bottles of "Kombucha Wonder Drink," a bottled tea drink containing kombucha. Reece removed a bottle and displayed it to the camera, stating that kombucha is "a very good healthy drink, it helps support mental health and gives energy."[10]
Lindsay Lohan has been spotted drinking kombucha after leaving rehab.[11]
[
Sharkey's Grill
So I'm a creature of habit. I have found sucess in eating out and choosing healthy items. I am so grateful for the Sharkey's Wood Fired Grill. It's a great way to eat well and to be satisfied. I am a sucker for their power plate which is chicken, broccoli and brown rice. You can get either a half or full and the meat can be steak, fish, tofu or chicken! It's awesome. It's not cheap but it's another investment in yourself.
Here's a bit also of why I like this place.
At Sharky's we're committed to the freshest and most natural ingredients available. That means in addition to NO MSG, NO LARD,and NO MICROWAVES, we guarantee quick and delicious meals that taste great and are beneficial to your health and our planet.
Don't Panic, We're Organic!™
With over four hundred types of pesticides being used on food crops today, it's easy to panic. At Sharky's we're committed to providing only the freshest and most natural foods, like our ever growing list of 100% Certified Organic Ingredients, such as Black Beans, Pinto Beans, and Long Grain Rice. Taste the difference!
Plump Not Pumped!™
All our chicken is guaranteed free from added growth hormones or preservatives. We go out of our way and use only 100% Natural Certified California Grown Chicken Breast. It's just another way we're committed to bringing the freshest and most natural foods to you.
Drug Free Cows!™
All our beef is prepared over our unique mesquite grills using only 100% Certified All Natural Beef that's fresh, lean and contain NO added Hormones, NO Added Chemicals, and NO Artificial Ingredients.
Just Killer Fish!™
We pride ourselves in the highest quality seafood available from around the world! Our buyers hand select only the finest 100% Premium and Sashimi Grade Fish like Mahi-mahi, Albacore Tuna, Wahoo and others all guaranteed free from any added phosphates. These details translates into the best four star rated fish tacos, burritos and tostadas anywhere.
Here's a bit also of why I like this place.
At Sharky's we're committed to the freshest and most natural ingredients available. That means in addition to NO MSG, NO LARD,and NO MICROWAVES, we guarantee quick and delicious meals that taste great and are beneficial to your health and our planet.
Don't Panic, We're Organic!™
With over four hundred types of pesticides being used on food crops today, it's easy to panic. At Sharky's we're committed to providing only the freshest and most natural foods, like our ever growing list of 100% Certified Organic Ingredients, such as Black Beans, Pinto Beans, and Long Grain Rice. Taste the difference!
Plump Not Pumped!™
All our chicken is guaranteed free from added growth hormones or preservatives. We go out of our way and use only 100% Natural Certified California Grown Chicken Breast. It's just another way we're committed to bringing the freshest and most natural foods to you.
Drug Free Cows!™
All our beef is prepared over our unique mesquite grills using only 100% Certified All Natural Beef that's fresh, lean and contain NO added Hormones, NO Added Chemicals, and NO Artificial Ingredients.
Just Killer Fish!™
We pride ourselves in the highest quality seafood available from around the world! Our buyers hand select only the finest 100% Premium and Sashimi Grade Fish like Mahi-mahi, Albacore Tuna, Wahoo and others all guaranteed free from any added phosphates. These details translates into the best four star rated fish tacos, burritos and tostadas anywhere.
It's not about the weight
It's finally raining here in Southern California. I used to love the rain because it meant curling up in a blanket and eating, eating and sleeping and just re-charging and re-fueling when the tanks are already full. It meant extra cups of hot cholocate and pizza delivery. It would be embarassing at the end of the day when I finally gave the heave ho to myself off the couch and there was at least an inch of crumbs around. The cats loved it.
I go to a meeting held at my church on Tuesdays that is a Recovery Eucharist. At this Eucharist, anyone with 12 step membership is invited to attend. It's an interesting mix of Al-Anon, AA, NA, SLA, OA, MA, CMA, DRA, etc. I have been going to this for almost 3 years now and it's a group that was my only meeting for a while. It becomes a sacred space because not only are we all together in the life boat of recovery, we are in sacred spaces inside a church. Sometimes this meeting becomes a bit like soap opera with 12 different life stories being updates weekly. We come to support each other and ourselves in dealing with the drama of the world. Yet, sometimes this drama gets in the way of feeling the feelings that I used to hide from, use over, drink over, eat over..
I shared about step 2 and how I had finally come to believe that God could and would do something about my food addiction if HE were sought. This was such a novel concept for me. I talked about how grateful I was about the daily reprieve from obsession I've been feeling and mentioned that the weight loss is a secondary benefit. I refuse to play the numbers game because then I forget about why I'm really here and focus on just making the numbers go down. My sponsor and I have come to the conclusion that weighing in once a month is appropriate and even if I never weighed, I'd be ok because we are working on the steps and not on a diet. If I don't work these steps to the best of my ability then I'm going to sink back into the food when life's little details get me down or if my students are asses.
I am bothered when people always qualify and saw how much they have lost and how long they have kept it off. It's hard to clap because we're not really clapping for that person, we're really clapping, as a friend put it, for God and how God works in that person's life. That I can clap for. I of course am amazed at the stories of personal recovery but this physical recovery comes from being open to allowing emotional and spiritual recovery to happen.
I went to a 730am meeting this morning. I was so tired. My sponsor and I were sharing our driver's licenses and playing -- top my fat picture. I was convinced that my albino clown picture of me at 300 pounds from 1996 would win. I keep trying to get rid of it but the DMV just wont let me have a new picture. I was really tired at this meeting since I had stayed up too last night but as always I was glad to be there, glad to be a part of and glad to be able to be present without wondering what I was going to eat next.
I go to a meeting held at my church on Tuesdays that is a Recovery Eucharist. At this Eucharist, anyone with 12 step membership is invited to attend. It's an interesting mix of Al-Anon, AA, NA, SLA, OA, MA, CMA, DRA, etc. I have been going to this for almost 3 years now and it's a group that was my only meeting for a while. It becomes a sacred space because not only are we all together in the life boat of recovery, we are in sacred spaces inside a church. Sometimes this meeting becomes a bit like soap opera with 12 different life stories being updates weekly. We come to support each other and ourselves in dealing with the drama of the world. Yet, sometimes this drama gets in the way of feeling the feelings that I used to hide from, use over, drink over, eat over..
I shared about step 2 and how I had finally come to believe that God could and would do something about my food addiction if HE were sought. This was such a novel concept for me. I talked about how grateful I was about the daily reprieve from obsession I've been feeling and mentioned that the weight loss is a secondary benefit. I refuse to play the numbers game because then I forget about why I'm really here and focus on just making the numbers go down. My sponsor and I have come to the conclusion that weighing in once a month is appropriate and even if I never weighed, I'd be ok because we are working on the steps and not on a diet. If I don't work these steps to the best of my ability then I'm going to sink back into the food when life's little details get me down or if my students are asses.
I am bothered when people always qualify and saw how much they have lost and how long they have kept it off. It's hard to clap because we're not really clapping for that person, we're really clapping, as a friend put it, for God and how God works in that person's life. That I can clap for. I of course am amazed at the stories of personal recovery but this physical recovery comes from being open to allowing emotional and spiritual recovery to happen.
I went to a 730am meeting this morning. I was so tired. My sponsor and I were sharing our driver's licenses and playing -- top my fat picture. I was convinced that my albino clown picture of me at 300 pounds from 1996 would win. I keep trying to get rid of it but the DMV just wont let me have a new picture. I was really tired at this meeting since I had stayed up too last night but as always I was glad to be there, glad to be a part of and glad to be able to be present without wondering what I was going to eat next.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Introduction
Welcome!
This blog is just a way for me to document the amazing journey that I began about 7 weeks ago when I joined Overeaters Anonymous and commited myself to a food plan that involved no sugar, no flour and eating three times a day. I was surfing the web one day last week and I was looking for a place that did not involve weight watchers. Hey, I'm not knocking weight watchers as I have pumped many, many dollars into that organization. I know of several people who have worked the WW program and have done very well and are now leading healthy lives. I am speaking from my own personal experiences when I say that WW doesnt work for me, a compulsive overeater, and I gained back all the weight I lost and then some. It became more of a game about how I could manipulate my food so that I could eat what I wanted, not what was healthy. As the weight was coming back, I grew shameful and decided to give up and just eat and eat and eat.
This past summer, when Dr. V --my therapist-- and most of my friends were on vacation and I was in the mad season of completing summer school and dealing with a break in into my classroom, I came to a very divinely inspired conclusion. I knew that the only way out of this emotional and physical bottom was to find a daily reprieve in the 12 steps of OA. I had been consistently gaining weight and I was having to wear the same outfits since I was only able to fit into a few pairs of pants and shorts. Zipping up the pants became a struggle and I didn't want to keep buying bigger clothes. I left a message on Dr. V's voicemail and went off to vacation with friends. This vacation became the eating journey to hell and back. I used to love airports as they are havens for food and food and more food. I made sure that I was sufficiently stuffed with calories and grease and had extra supplies for when my stomach shrank back down to a normal size. I also was forced to buy a business class seat as I just about didnt fit in a coach seat. When I vacationed with two good friends that I hadnt seen in forever, I was more consumed with the junk food we had in the kitchen and the cakes and pies in the freezer. When my friends went down to the beach, I stayed behind and ate chocolate and peanut butter because I just felt like it. It didnt taste as food as it seems. We made smores inside and I pretended that I hadn't eaten anything.
On August 15, I walked through the doors of OA and knew immediately that I was home. When I said that I was a compulsive over eater, I almost cried because I was home and knew that I didnt have to do it alone anymore. I began a food plan the next day that involved no sugar, no flour and only eating 3 times a day. I also began attending meetings five days a week. It took me some time to choose a sponsor but when I did I knew that I had chosen someone who was very similar to me and very different in other ways. I also have made some amazing friends that are walking this journey with me.
Stay tuned.
More Later
Hip English Teacher
This blog is just a way for me to document the amazing journey that I began about 7 weeks ago when I joined Overeaters Anonymous and commited myself to a food plan that involved no sugar, no flour and eating three times a day. I was surfing the web one day last week and I was looking for a place that did not involve weight watchers. Hey, I'm not knocking weight watchers as I have pumped many, many dollars into that organization. I know of several people who have worked the WW program and have done very well and are now leading healthy lives. I am speaking from my own personal experiences when I say that WW doesnt work for me, a compulsive overeater, and I gained back all the weight I lost and then some. It became more of a game about how I could manipulate my food so that I could eat what I wanted, not what was healthy. As the weight was coming back, I grew shameful and decided to give up and just eat and eat and eat.
This past summer, when Dr. V --my therapist-- and most of my friends were on vacation and I was in the mad season of completing summer school and dealing with a break in into my classroom, I came to a very divinely inspired conclusion. I knew that the only way out of this emotional and physical bottom was to find a daily reprieve in the 12 steps of OA. I had been consistently gaining weight and I was having to wear the same outfits since I was only able to fit into a few pairs of pants and shorts. Zipping up the pants became a struggle and I didn't want to keep buying bigger clothes. I left a message on Dr. V's voicemail and went off to vacation with friends. This vacation became the eating journey to hell and back. I used to love airports as they are havens for food and food and more food. I made sure that I was sufficiently stuffed with calories and grease and had extra supplies for when my stomach shrank back down to a normal size. I also was forced to buy a business class seat as I just about didnt fit in a coach seat. When I vacationed with two good friends that I hadnt seen in forever, I was more consumed with the junk food we had in the kitchen and the cakes and pies in the freezer. When my friends went down to the beach, I stayed behind and ate chocolate and peanut butter because I just felt like it. It didnt taste as food as it seems. We made smores inside and I pretended that I hadn't eaten anything.
On August 15, I walked through the doors of OA and knew immediately that I was home. When I said that I was a compulsive over eater, I almost cried because I was home and knew that I didnt have to do it alone anymore. I began a food plan the next day that involved no sugar, no flour and only eating 3 times a day. I also began attending meetings five days a week. It took me some time to choose a sponsor but when I did I knew that I had chosen someone who was very similar to me and very different in other ways. I also have made some amazing friends that are walking this journey with me.
Stay tuned.
More Later
Hip English Teacher
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
