Dear Church

Dear Church,

I never thought that I'd be writing this to you. I thought that we would be together forever, sailing off into the sunset with us snuggled together sharing our histories and playing the lets remember game. We'd whip out the photo album and look and this shot and that shot and all the shots inbetween and all the retreats and services and other social events. I feel like this is a dear john letter, a letter that you probably aren't even ready to receive.

I've been around for about four years. I've given you a lot of myself in those four years. I've run groups, I've shopped for parties, I've coordinated retreats, I've planned services, I've gone to meetings, I've stood behind tables, I've carried up the gifts, I've sat on one side or another, I've met with almost all of the priests, at one time a lot of my good friends were employed by you, I've even been hired by you for one day, I've slept over in the church, I've pushed buttons and have been a gopher for a large service and have gone at all hours of the night to Kinkos to make copies of a dvd, I've donated a lot of my time, I've donated some money, I've gone to Africa with a group, I've spoken at workshops, etc. I've done a whole lot.

Currently, I am involved in two major groups- the college group and the Recovery Eucharist. One I coordinate, one I am just a part of. I am currently frustrated beyond major belief because I cannot physically continue on with this pace. For the longest time, it seemed to be ok that I was doing everything because it helped out that ministry. I am now afraid to tell the priest in charge that I cannot function at such a high level and continue to be sane. I find that I am currently a walking example of the word "insanity" which, according to program speak means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I really do fall into that trap and expect to feel better even though my behaviors remain the same. I am reminded of the phrase, nothing changes if nothing changes. If I don't stand up for myself and dont speak out about how crappy I feel then I can expect the cycle to continue and my resentments to keep building. I know what prevents my forward movement. I am afraid in a self-centered way that shows I am afraid of losing what I have, a relationship with an amazing priest and/or not getting what I want. I just don't want another conflict in my life. I don't want to lose another group, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable by being honest and I feel like I stand to lose a lot if I don't stand true and strong to my feelings and desires. I am just tired of this ministry. I am tired of being sick and tired. I will also admit that it makes me also want to pull back and not be as involved.

Another resentment that revolves around my head is the idea of tithing and the gospel of prosperity which implies that more you give to the church, the more you stand to gain. It's based on the principle of trusting God to provide your needs and more if you are willing to give back to God and the church community. I grew up with putting money in the collection basket. I have no problem donating some money but when I am blatantly told that the amount I give is in direct proportion to my faith. I do remember something about time and treausre and talents and I really feel like I tithe my time. I have about 20 free hours a week to do a variety of things and if I'm not at work or therapy, I'm either in a meeting or am involved with something at church. The church is so focused on money that it is expanding its current building plan from its incredibly large campus and add on at least 75 million dollars worth of new buildings and new parking, etc. All the while, the church kicked out the childrens center. I am just not interested in helping this campaign fund.

Lastly, I am so upset still about the behaviors of a few people who used to be in my intimate circle and while I was on vacation, I received an email that more or less destroyed the friendships I had with these people. It's now as if I don't exist and I really do hate that in a community that I once loved and adored, I now feel ritually unclean and not a part of.

I am so disappointed with you Church.

i think we need a break from each other.