Pitching-an email I sent to my sponsor

So we all went to Baja Fresh for dinner and of course the talk was about program and speaking
and etc, etc. As we were talking about the meeting and sharing, it got
to the point where everyone suddenly looked at me and seemed to
simultaneously say "you are too quiet. You need to share more."
Immediately, I said, "well, I talk all day and I just want to listen
and soak up the experience." Someone then said, "hey, you've got
almost sixty days and you have abstinence and you need to share about
that so that others can learn from you." I immediately recoiled from
that because the voice inside me said, you've got nothing to say. The
other rationalization that jumped into the picture was saying that I
am such a performer all day during school and saying funny stuff just
comes naturally to me that I don't want to share because I don't want
to create a share that just makes everyone laugh and is superficial
instead of talking about what I really feel. Of course all these
excuses are bullshit, and I do need to share more and realize at the
same time that people do want to hear what I have to say and that when
I stifle my share because it isnt perfect enough or that no one is
going laugh because I've had a shitty day or when I think that people
arent listening-- what I realize I'm doing is that I'm not letting God
work through me and I'm not valuing my own experience and I'm
essentially saying that I'm not good enough and that what I'm doing
isnt of value.

I am having a lot of feelings right now and it's hard to realize that
these feelings aren't facts. I am flooded with a desire for
connection, for intimacy and for physical contact with another human
being. I am both petrified and willing-- fearing it and desiring it at
the same time. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions-- the
half of me that isnt afraid of trying new things and making
connections and the half of me that wants to desparately hide behind
the shrinking me and say I'm too fat, too much a church nerd, too
involved in 12 steps to attract anyone. It's as if there are two
different people--- the person that is developing a new life, a new
way of seeing things and a new way of living and the person that is
afraid of change, afraid of rejection, afraid of connection, afraid of
being vulnerable and then being dumped on my ass, afraid of
unconditional love, afraid of just being me. The tension is
uncomfortable and throwing in the perfectionism makes it tough to just
sit and see what happens.

These are just my thoughts about sharing--both at a meeting and at the
heart level with another person.