4th step

Step 4-- "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

There are people in recovery who have never made the 4th step. Some program folk like to say that this is where the rubber meets recovery. This huge writing process involves creating a list of our resentments, our fears, our sex inventory and who we had harmed. The big book of AA says that when we are doing this we "absorb some big chunks and truths about ourselves".

I wrote my first 4th step in AA back in 2002. I had a blue notebook that I wrote in and wrote in and wrote in. I was constantly scribbling. In the end, my sponsor said that she was not going to wade through 188 pages of bullshit. It was called the great american fourth step. I had a tramatic experience happen when I was first writing my step. I had a sponsor who suddenly fell off the planet when I was working on this step. Doing this step brings up a lot about yourself and it is best to have a sponsor whom I can call when I get what I call the feeling attacks from the 4th step. I do not write this stuff to impress my sponsor, but for myself. Putting this down on paper is cathartic and a wonderful experience. It is also humbling and scary and calls for great courage to be honest in areas that I never thought I would share with another person.

Today I started writing the first part of my inventory. I went to the starbucks by my house and just started writing. I have to write outside of my house or else I will find other things to do. At my house this morning, I already ordered new shoes and got an order for my new glasses. I knew that I just had to start writing.

I did one of the hardest parts today-- the resentment list. Now, besides looking at where others have hurt me, I also had to do some serious soul searching and write down my part in the situation and what I was afraid of. This wholistic approach prevents me from focusing on what other have done to me. It calls for a sweeping light of truth to examine in detail the entire situation and to bravely acknowledge where I played a part.

More later.